tinago65

I want to stop judging myself!! I want to find unconditional love of me:) How do we live life without risk. It is impossible. I want to stay focused on me and work through all that is there to heal. I have so much to face and walk through. I keep trying to find something to detour myself. Mostly worries over guys, well one guy. He is an ex and we have a friendship which I want to be in and yet I still have feelings. I am probably fooling myself or rationalizing because I still want to have him in my life. I support him with his new girlfriend and I wish he would leave her. I am so torn. I don’t even know if he is the right fit for me. I do know I love being around him. It is insane! I have to find a safe place and maybe some distance. I am trying to not text and step back for a day at a time. Okay, an hour at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. I want me to be okay and I want to value me enough to put down any false ideas of some guy that doesn’t deserve me. Oh, this is a lot of rambling because it is how I feel today. I will get through this and I will find my groove and I WILL put my needs and dreams 1st!!! I deserve to succeed and to find my happy place and healthy place for my body, mind and spirit!

Not for sure when or where but I have reverted back to all the old bad habits.  I am not motivated to count calories or to workout.  I hit 29lbs last Friday and all hell broke lose in my mind.  I have been eating crazy since that day.  I am tired and don’t want to work out.  I don’t want to go backwards.  It is like my sabotage girl took over and I can’t get the reins back.  Scared and worried.  I know I have had some slips in the last 4 months but I have bounced back pretty quickly.  This time it is harder:(

I am so not wanting to be me today! I hurt so much over this stupid man. It’s like I can’t seem to let it go. I hang on and on and it is not even like he was that nice of a guy. I mean common he broke up with me via text and phone, not even the backbone to do it in person. I took the last of his stuff and put it on his car at work and texted him to let him know it would be there. I want him to want me and he won’t and never will. Saying that makes me feel like my insides are splitting open. I know this is just a bad day. On good days I know he is a jerk and that someone better will come along.  I know there is a lesson and if I just walk through this it will be there. But today I hurt and that is really all I can see in front of me for this moment!

I ate soooo bad this last weekend!! I just said screw it and went nuts on the food. I have come so far and then I just hit that sabotage mode that usually takes me back to my biggest weight. I don’t want to go back to that or to that girl. I made sure I went to the grocery and got all my healthy groceries and I have gotten back on track this morning. I don’t have to give up and I am worthy of so much more. Ok, that’s my ranting and thanks to all who will take the time to read this.

I was so not in the space for the gym yesterday.  Feeling feelings from the break-up and wanting to sit down with a tub of ice cream.  I had a get together with some women friends and we snacked but not too bad, still stayed in my calorie range.  I was feeling aching from heartache I think, the power of the mind is scary.  When we finished our get together I said I am going to the gym and they all looked at me like why.  “You are tired, go tomorrow, go home and rest”.  I have always given up when it got hard, just quit instead of pushing through the barrier and going to the gym even when I didn’t feel like it.   Not this time!! I didn’t get to the gym until after 10pm but I made it and I did my cardio and I felt so grateful to not give up.  I then came home and was so inspired by Tuesday’s Biggest Loser show I knew I was DOING this and that I want this so bad.  Not just the outside, which still in my head is a little voice telling me it will fix me if I am thin, but the inside too.  I want to walk through the pain and heal my spirit and mind as well as my physical me.  This is a journey and I need to be okay with every day and know that I am strong enough to stay the course one day at a time!!!!

Very exciting, today I hit the 1st mini target I set!! I am really doing this.

Can someone tell me how to do all the pretty background stuff. I want to amp up my favorite site:)

I have had a painful week.  The guy I thought had been in love with me told me he wasn’t and had been trying to be for months and that he would never be in love with me.  Ouch!  Now mind that I knew in my heart months ago we had some deal breaker differences.  I didn’t say anything because I was in love with BEING in love!  I just by passed things that irked me and kept on truckin’!  What is that and why don’t I see myself as valuable enough to be the one to walk away?  I don’t ever want to compromise again!!!  I am worthy and I am valuable and I am strong, intelligent, funny and whole lot more!!  Now, the battle here for me is to convince the little girl inside me that is the truth and it is ok to accept it.  This body has been my shield for years to protect me from the world.  Did it really do that?  Sure in a way, but it also has kept me isolated in fear.  I don’t want to live in fear anymore!  And dog-gone-it I want my “Mr. Big” just like Carrie Bradshaw got on Sex and the City and I deserve my very own “Big” and one day when I am healed and a complete person in my own eyes he will show up.  God’s time not my time:) !!!!!

I was babysitting my 6 year old nephew and his dad’s puppies this weekend and my nephew chose for us to stay at my mom’s.  Man, I wanted to eat all weekend long.  When I am at home or work or wherever I seem to be getting better at not eating to feed the craving or cover feelings.  This weekend at my mom’s and then at my boss’ to babysit his kids I am like sugar, sugar, and sugar or anything that looks bad for me.  I am not sure what this is about but I know it is part of learning and recognizing some of my trigger behavior.  Instead of just doing it I have tried to resist and feel the feelings.  I know I didn’t get this way overnight and it is a long and eventful road to a healthier me!!! Time to cowgirl up!!!!

I am down to 235.5. OMG, I am not just trying, I am doing this!!! I have started eating better and going to the gym. I can’t believe how good it feels to see these results. It feels good to do the right thing. When I decided to get serious and cut out the refined sugar, flour stuff and most fast food I didn’t know what a difference it could make. That stuff was truly holding me hostage. Not anymore!!!

Okay, so I thought I had found true love and turns out I was the rebound girl. I am feeling all those old feelings of rejection, not being enough and fear. I want to love myself for myself just as I am right now. I don’t always love me and it is so hard. I need to be validated by God and me, not anyone else, especially a man. I am scared and hurting yet I know I will be okay in time.